Belly Bump: Telling the World

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Mary

Belly Bump is a series where we compare the pregnancy experiences of two women: Delsie, a prevention advocate and UNC student who became a mom at age 17, and Mary, APPCNC’s Community Programs Manager who decided to have a baby with her husband Anthony.  See previous Belly Bump entries.

Delsie

It’s kind of crazy how when your entire world turns upside down, disclosure about this new phenomenon, especially to the people that are closet to you, seems to be the hardest thing ever. You start to question how they will respond to the news, whether or not they will still accept you, and more importantly, whether or not they will remain by your side.  As you know from my previous blog, my best friend was the first person to receive the news but while she played the role of encourager that day, it was uncertain what role she would play in the days to come; when reality would finally sink in, the secret would come out, and she would become the best friend of a teen mom. Would she still be by my side, walking the halls of my high school with a protruding baby bump? And there laid the reoccurring uncertainty of my situation.

Unlike most things, repetition did not bring with it ease. Every time I had to relay the news to someone else was just another instant for me to face the reality that simply terrified me. But I was certain of this one thing, my boyfriend would make me feel better. I knew that he would be able to understand the gravity of the situation better than anyone else and he would know what to say to make everything okay—I was wrong.  In short, the conversation that was supposed to make to feel better, the person that I always looked to comfort me in my times of need, just left me feeling lonelier than ever. Sure we both consented to having sex. We both were having a baby. But somehow, after talking to him, these facts didn’t quite seem like my reality. I was the one that was pregnant. I was the one that had to break the news to my parents. I was the one whose entire future was in question. I was the one who was scared and uncertain about everything. And so, two confessions later, I was no closer to feeling comforted, no closer to a sense of security or peace of mind. I was still very much alone and still the confessions continued.

If you recall from my previous blog, finding out about my pregnancy happened prior to track practice and even though it had felt like my world was over, life still went on and I still had to be at track practice. Following the conversation with my boyfriend, I walked down to the track, making all attempts to fight back tears. Apparently my attempts were shy of being successful because my coach called me aside to inquire what was wrong. I broke down in tears. I don’t quite know how I got the words out or better still how he understood anything I said behind all the sobbing. His initial reaction was one that I would grow use to receiving as i would go on to relay my news to others- “No, not you!?!” Shock and disbelief filled his face, followed by deep pain and compassion.  He hugged me as a cried and offered those simple words of encouragement that I needed to so much. The rest of that day is a blur. I don’t know how I made it through practice or even how I pulled myself together enough so my parents didn’t question what was wrong. But what I do know is that after relaying the news to three people, my reality had already become more than I could bear and I simply wasn’t ready to share it with anyone else- so I didn’t.

While it was my intent to keep this pregnancy to myself as long as possible, things continued to not turn out quite the way I had planned. Racked with the uncertainty of my future in the marching band, my best friend decided to ask our band director whether or not someone how was pregnant could still participate in band. The answer was a resounding “no” and with that my heart sank. But of course my band director was too nosy to leave it at that, he had answered the question and now he wanted answers.  Needless to say, the following day I found myself in my guidance counselor’s office (per the request of my band director).  Another confession and with it another instant in which I was forced to face my reality. While she tried to offer words of encouragement, I began to feel like she just couldn’t understand. It was so simply for everyone to tell me that it would be okay as long as everything in their life was okay. Would they be so certain if they were in my shoes faced with the anxiety, fear, and worries that I had? I think not. So I left her office with the number of a nearby clinic that she suggested I go to for a professional opinion about my condition and also with the determination that no one else would find out.  Again-plans flawed.

Not too long after my visit with the guidance counselor my cousin, who was also in the band with me approached me about rumors that he had heard about me being pregnant.  I was determined not to let this get out, especially not to my family, so faced with his question, I lied. “Common now, do you really think I would be pregnant?”  and with that question, I affirmed his beliefs about me, the same beliefs that everyone else had held, Delsie had was too smart and had too much going for her to do something so reckless. But while I was able to affirm everyone else’s beliefs and suppress their suspicions, I couldn’t do the same for myself. I knew the truth and it weighed on me every single day.

As time went on, I knew that this pregnancy wasn’t something that I would be able to hide forever. I would eventually start showing and I would have to open with everyone. While I feared what my peers would think and how they would react, I feared more my parent’s response. Sex before marriage was unheard of in my household much less a baby before marriage. Not to mention the fact that my mom had stated once before that if I ever got pregnant that I shouldn’t bother coming home. So, faced with this daunting prospect, I hid my pregnancy. I cried myself to sleep every night for three months straight until the stress and anxiety had become too much for me to bear. One day following a night full of tears and prayers I decided to tell my mother.

I’ll never forget that day as long as I live. Disbelief and denial filled my house that day as she tried to cope with what I was telling her. But more than that, there was utter disappointment. I had let her down. She didn’t want me to come near her and she cried uncontrollably. Needless to say, my dad got a phone call from her and he made his way home from work. Yet again, another confession but it was still no easier than the first. Nothing could have ever prepared me for my dad’s response. He told me that despite the fact that they didn’t agree with my actions they still loved me and that they were going to love this child as well. Three months of anxiety had led to one response-unconditional love.

I would eventually go on to telling my church congregation about my pregnancy and the response that I received mimicked that of my parents-love. Everyone went out of their way to show me that they still loved me and that they would be there to support me. From there on my reality, while still not so easy to accept, became a little easier to handle. Even though my world was turned upside down and my future remained uncertain, I was loved.

Mary

Like I mentioned in my last blog, telling people made me feel relieved, supported, and loved.  My best friends were thrilled, our parents were even more thrilled, and our friends were totally supportive. But initially telling ANYBODY at first felt like a big cliff to jump off of.  I realized that as soon as people found out, other people’s perceptions of my identity would change.  I wouldn’t just be Mary anymore.  The Mary that likes to try to new restaurants, take spontaneous trips, travel whenever possible, and  stay out late with her friends wouldn’t be the same, because once you have a baby, some of those things just become more challenging.

So, I knew that in a way, my identity WOULD change once I have a baby.  Sure I can still be the Mary that likes all those things, but then, I will also be Mary the Mom.  Mary who likes to be adventurous, but also has a small human to think of who depends on her for sustenance and safety.  Mary who might not make happy hour because she has to pick her boy up from daycare, who can’t afford that fun looking trip because she has to pay for daycare, and who can’t make it to the new restaurant because the babysitter bailed.  How  much of pre-baby Mary could stay, and how much had to go.  Would I like this new me?  Would I be any good at being this new me?  What does being a Mom even mean to me?

The media and society send us all kinds of messages about what a mother is or isn’t, should or shouldn’t be.  That I should stay at home , quit my job, devote my whole life to my children, move to the suburbs, wear Mom jeans (yes, I worry about this), give away all of our breakable possessions to baby proof the house.  I’ve even had people say to me that we should give away our dog (a 150lb Great Dane) because he’s “dangerous”.  This is another votex a pregnant lady can get stuck in, worrying about who she will be.  Turns out telling people wasn’t really my worry, it’s what came after that I worried about.  It was about their perceptions of me, and the waterfall of parenting questions and advice that would surely drown me.

I’ve come to the conclusion after lots of talks with the Moms in my life that I look up to, that we don’t need to be any kind of Mom, we all just need to be.  Be the kind of Mom you want to be, whatever that is.  You probably won’t be a good Mom if you’re busy trying to be someone else.   Once I figured this out, I felt a lot better about telling people I was pregnant, because I honestly stopped caring about whatever they might think, or whatever unwarranted advice they would throw my way.  They could throw any question my way (Will you breastfeed?  Will you use a day care?  Will you give your dog away?) and I could confidently answer them.  (Yes.  Yes. And no way.)

Now, this gets more challenging once you get bigger, and you don’t  tell people you’re pregnant, they just start to notice.  For example the lady a Starbucks who gives me dirty looks for my occasional half-caf latte, the folks at the gym who stare at me on the elliptical with a look on their faces that says “I’m worried your hurting your baby, maybe you should stop”, or the strangers who judge me about putting my child in daycare.  It seems to me that if parents spent more time supporting each other’s choices instead of judging each other, we’d all be a lot better off.

Lucky for me, because I told people I was pregnant, I have a network of family and friends who support me.  Most importantly though, I have a loving partner who supports me unconditionally.   He supports our parenting choices always, and especially in the face of judgment.  He supports me keeping a job that love.  He supports me going on fun trips and trying new restaurants.  Now, I don’t worry about who I will or won’t be.  I’ll just be.  I’ll just be whatever kind of Mom I want to be.  And I know I can be, with my partner, family, friends, , and 150lb dog along for the ride.

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The Importance of Education for Pregnant and Parenting Teens: How We Can Help

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Kyle Hoover

In our last post, we talked about the increased risks and challenges young parents and their families face. Chief among these is the likelihood of not graduating from school, and the subsequent consequences of not completing an education.

Luckily, federal, state, and local statutes; mentoring programs; and school-specific strategies that exist, giving pregnant and parenting teens a better chance of graduating from high school. These teens face a wide array of barriers in attending and succeeding in school, as they juggle schoolwork and parenting responsibilities, try to access to affordable child care and transportation, and deal with discrimination from school personnel.

Remember the following information if you are a teen who finds herself pregnant, a teen father, or if you are an individual in a position to help a teen graduate.

Federal Protections

First of all, pregnant and parenting teens need to know that it is their basic right to continue school following the birth of their child. This was made clear under Title IX of the Education Amendments in 1972. Title IX mandates that all schools receiving federal funds provide pregnant and parenting (male and female) teens with equal access to schools, classes, services, and extracurricular activities other students would receive.  Title IX includes the following directives:

  • Pregnant and parenting teens cannot be made to go to a separate school.
  • Schools must prevent and address sex-based harassment.
  • Schools must offer pregnant students the same benefits that they would offer to students with other medical conditions.
  • Excused absences must be allowed for the length of time that the doctor says the student needs to recover.

In North Carolina

The North Carolina State Law, Education for Pregnant and Parenting Students, was passed in 2006 and contains requirements that schools in our state must adhere to in addition to what is mandated at the federal level.  These requirements consist of the following:

  • Local boards of education must adopt a policy to ensure that pregnant and parenting students are not discriminated against. Extra funds from the At-Risk Student Services allocation must be used for support programs for these students, such as tutors, graduation coaches, and  transportation.
  • Requirements related to excused absences, homebound instruction, and just treatment must be in place.
  • When a student returns to school, she must be restored to the full academic and extracurricular status she held when her leave began.
  • Homework and makeup work must be assigned to help the student keep current and to prevent her from losing credit

(Here is a full list of Title IX coordinators in North Carolina.)

North Carolina School Boards

School boards must have a policy in place at to ensure that local schools comply with state laws to protect pregnant and parenting teens. These policies vary from school to school, but here are some key points from the Orange County Board Policy:

Pregnant and parenting students….

  • Have the right to attend school.
  • Will receive homework assignments and make up work.
  • Have access to a homebound instructor when medically necessary; this instructor will be available two week prior to delivery and six weeks after.
  • Will have all pregnancy-related absences excused.
  • Cannot bring their child to school, unless it is part of a class.
  • Can have certain activities limited if the doctor states that participation in such activities could be dangerous to her health.

These are the basics. However, schools can do more than simply comply with standard policies.

Best Practices Beyond the Law

Sometimes being of the most help to pregnant and parenting teens requires thinking outside the box and considering each individual teen’s needs.  Schools can create individualized learning plans for pregnant and parenting teens, provide an at-home tutor, provide on-site child care, and put policies in place to protect girls from harassment and bullying. Additionally, schools can reach out to students who have dropped out following a pregnancy or birth, rather than just letting these students fall off of the radar. Schools must make a firm commitment to enforcing these policies; written laws are not enough.

More effective and long-lasting change can best be achieved when helping pregnant and parenting teens is a community-wide effort. Schools should work with organizations like social services, health departments, and other support networks to ensure that students have all necessary resources and assistance. Adolescent Parenting Programs are a fantastic resource for these young parents. Such programs work to provide support for parenting teens by helping them to remain in school, graduate, and delay a second pregnancy.

The main message to schools is for them to not give up on pregnant and parenting teens. The federal and state statues in place provide a strong foundation, but it is up to caring professionals in the school and community to ensure that pregnant and parenting teens have a fighting chance. Because, when girls don’t graduate, we all fail.

Posted in Public Policy, Schools, Teen Parents | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The Importance of Education for Pregnant and Parenting Teens: A Two Part Series

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Kyle Hoover

Welcome to the first in a two-part series examining the importance of education for pregnant and parenting teens current educational challenges facing teen parents, federal and state statutes that are in place governing their education, and ways in which schools and communities can support and encourage these young parents. Part I of this series attempts to answer the question, “What is the Problem?” Part II will delve into the various ways in which we can help pregnant and parenting teens succeed. (Please note that educational outcomes for teen parents may suffer for both the young mothers and fathers, but that for the purpose of this post, we will be examining the outcomes and statistics for mothers only.)

Although many of us likely do not think about it on a daily basis, having a high school diploma is essentially a passport to opportunity. A high school diploma does not simply give one greater access to colleges and universities, but a high school diploma also leads to a greater chance of finding employment and stable housing and a decreased chance of both being in poverty and having poor developmental outcomes for the child of the dropout. Poor educational outcomes also tend to have a generational effect.

This issue is especially prevalent for the 18,000 plus teens that give birth every year in North Carolina (which has the 14th highest rate in the United States in the country). Both the National Women’s Law Center and the National Campaign have done quite a bit of research on the importance of education for young women (and pregnant and parenting teens in particular). Their results are eye opening:

  • One in two high school dropouts between the ages of 25 and 64 are unemployed.
  • In 2006, adult women without a high school diploma earned an average of $15,500 a year. This amount is over $6,000 less annually than women with their high school diploma.
  • Less than 2% of teen mothers obtain their college degree by age thirty.
  • Only two thirds of children born to teen mothers earned a high school diploma, compared to 81% of children born to older parents.
  • Children of teen mothers often do not perform as well on other measures of child development (i.e. language, communication, and cognition) and are 50% more likely to repeat a grade versus children born to older parents.

Clearly a high school education is extremely important to success later in life, yet it is a fundamental piece missing in the lives of many pregnant and parenting teens. The National Campaign found that 51% of teen moms have a high school diploma, compared to 89% of girls who are not teen moms. Furthermore, only 38% of teen moms have their diploma before they turn 18. (To help put things in perspective, the dropout rate for all females in North Carolina in 2003-2004 was 28%. This means that for every 100 girls in the state, about 72 graduate.) A survey conducted by the Gates Foundation of high school dropouts across the country discovered that for one-half of the females interviewed becoming a parent played a role in their decisions to leave school; 33 percent of these women said it was a “major factor.”

However, the decision to drop out does not exist in a bubble. This same survey by the Gates Foundation found that those teens who left school because they became a parent were more likely than any other group of dropouts to say that they would have “worked harder if their schools had demanded more of them and provided the necessary support.” In order to best succeed, teens need the support of their family, their school, and their community. Teens require firm policies and practices in place that enable them to graduate, rather than ones that simply let teens fall by the wayside.

Teen parents face some extraordinary trials that require community wide commitment and support. There exist five big challenges that seem to repeat for pregnant and parenting teens in a variety of settings:

  • Re-enrolling teen parents who have been out of school following the
  • Finding childcare and transportation for their child so that the teen parent can go to school.
  • Finding the money for childcare, as inadequate funding exists for childcare subsidies.
  • Finding the money for transportation; vouchers for such are limited due to budget cuts.
  • The need to advocate to school administrators who are often unaware of the federal and state laws that mandate equal educational opportunities for pregnant and parenting teens and may simply want the problem to “go away” by having the teen parent attend an alternative school or receive their G.E.D.

Luckily, there are ways to help at the local, state, and federal level. Missed educational opportunities are not an issue that can be simply swept under the table, but rather is an issue that necessitates time and support. In our next post we will examine the modes of help and support which exist for pregnant and parenting teens.

Posted in Public Policy, Schools, Teen Parents | Tagged | 3 Comments

Belly Bump: Coping With A New Reality

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Mary

Belly Bump is a series where we compare the pregnancy experiences of two women: Delsie, a prevention advocate and UNC student who became a mom at age 17, and Mary, APPCNC’s Community Programs Manager who decided to have a baby with her husband Anthony. See previous Belly Bump entries.

Delsie

Seventeen and pregnant. It sounds pretty close to a TV show, but this was my new reality.

I had often times fantasied about the day that I would have a child. I had picked out names and everything.  But this was nothing like my fantasies. My fantasies had included a degree, a nice stable job, and a loving and supporting husband. So far I didn’t have any of these things. I didn’t have a basic high school diploma, a job, and I was in a relationship that was subject to the whims and fancies of teenage hormones. Needless to say, my new reality wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. It was more along the lines of those really big horse pills, the ones that no matter how much water you try to chug back, it remains lodged in your throat. I was pregnant, alone, and worried about my future. Though I had taken on adult responsibilities with the conception of my child, I wasn’t ready to take on the role of an adult. Reality kept on knocking on my door, and like a stubborn child, I refused to answer.

It is amazing how quickly your dreams can change, how quickly the certainty fades. The excitement of my senior year of high school vanished with a positive pregnancy test.  The little things that I had once taken for granted and accepted as the norm now came into question. Would I be able to march this year, perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? What about attend my senior prom or, more importantly, go to college? The things that I had once viewed as being a sure thing now came into question and with that simple fact; my reality began to sink in. The door that I had fought desperately to keep closed, began to slowly creep open and with it came my daunting reality; one that I was not prepared to cope with.

Mary

Twenty-seven and pregnant.  That’s about average nationwide I guess, but still I felt like an outsider.  I was the first of my friends to be pregnant.  Would they still want to be friends with us?  What would our parents say?  How would our jobs react?  When do we tell people?  We were planning on having kids, but babies are easy to glamorize in your mind.

Two weeks after finding out about “Nugget”, we moved into our first home and I started to experience the horror that is the first trimester of pregnancy.  For days all I could do was lay on the couch, try to keep food down, and make lists of things to do:  find doctor (or midwife!), look into day care, research my office’s maternity leave policy, find prenatal vitamins, buy baby books, even learn about babies in general!  It quickly became overwhelming.  Thinking about “baby” stuff can turn into a vortex; it can suck you in if you aren’t careful.

Once we were done moving and I started feeling well enough to rip myself off the couch, it was a relief to come back into work and feel like a normal person again. I started to understand that people are pregnant for nine months for a reason:  there is a lot to do! But nine months is time to do it all.

Slowly we started to tell the people closest to us, which made me feel better.  It felt good to be honest about what we were going through.  I soon realized what a great support system both of us had in friends, family, and work. Suddenly it all seemed like we would be ok.  Perhaps we had over-glamorized having a baby, but after a few weeks to let it all sink in and a few conversations with  very supportive friends, bringing a small human into the world certainly seemed more than just attainable, but down right doable.

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A Note to That One Guy at Community Meetings

Posted on October 7, 2011 by Elizabeth

I’ve attended more community fora than I can count.  Invariably, someone – I’m not pointing fingers, but it’s usually an older gentleman – will stand up and say something to the effect of:

“We have to focus on the boys, too! We tell the girls to keep their legs closed, but the boys are still putting pressure on them!”

(And invariably, the faces of the women in the room say, “I am glad I am not your wife!”)

So, to this particular brand of speaker:

  1. Both boys and girls have sexual desire. Science and almost any woman you know can confirm that for you if you have questions. And, from a health education perspective, pretending young people don’t have sexual desire is about as wise as pretending french fries don’t taste good.
  2. Boys do play a role, but “keep it in your pants” isn’t a productive message. Boys need to know how to communicate, handle peer pressure and media messages, form relationships, prevent a pregnancy, put on a condom, and talk to their doctors, parents, and partners – the same things girls need to know. In fact, the only bit of sexuality education that might apply less to boys is whether to choose a pad or a tampon.
  3. Keeping one’s legs closed isn’t a particularly helpful life skill. The following are helpful skills that are a) proven to help prevent pregnancy and/or STDs; and b) taught in good sex ed:
    • How to talk to a partner about sexual activity no matter what the relationship history is like: “I’m not ready for sex.” “I only want to have sex if we’ve both been tested.” “I know we tried that once, but I really didn’t like it.” “I would like to try something.” These are skills that matter at age 16 and age 96.
    • How to ask questions of a parent, a doctor, or a pharmacist.
    • How to choose, access, and use a contraceptive when you’re not financially, physically, or emotionally prepared to have a baby.
    • How to be a good partner and choose a good partner. Healthy and safe relationships matter!

One more note to these speakers: We need your help! You seem to care about the health of young people in your community.  Helping young people grow up to be solid, healthy adults is a community task. Here’s what we need from you:

  • Check out what works in preventing teen pregnancy. Your community should be investing in proven strategies, not antiquated touchy-feely programs based on somebody’s best guess of what might work.
  • Make sure your schools are implementing comprehensive sex ed. Even if you’re an abstinence-only type, remember that comprehensive sex ed promotes abstinence better than abstinence-only sex ed.
  • Encourage the people in your life are talking about sex with the young people in their lives.  Old-school silence is part of what gave us those really high old-school teen pregnancy rates.

Thanks, and see you at our next community meeting!

Posted in Public Policy, Schools, Sex Education, Teen Health | Leave a comment

Contagion and a Coin Flip: The Ironic HPV Debate

Posted on September 15, 2011 by Elizabeth

My first job on a real payroll was related to a virus. My town’s chapter of the American Red Cross was moving to a new building and wanted to donate their handwritten records from the 1918 Spanish flu epidemic to the local historical society. So, every day after school I’d walk there and type the records into a dinosaur of a word processor.

The job itself was boring as heck, but the information was fascinating: name, sex, age, number of children, next of kin, did the patient survive? Very often the answer was no. That virus infected more than a quarter of the US population.

That job – combined with the 1995 movie Outbreak, a great Anatomy and Physiology class in high school, and too many hours swooning over Dr. Carter on ER – started my interested in public health.

A year later, trying to spread info about another virus as a peer educator, I got to see the intersection of politics and public health. School officials weren’t keen on students learning about HIV. I couldn’t understand why some viruses were worthy of prevention and some weren’t. I still don’t.

That’s why I find it amazing that our number one movie at the box office, Contagion, deals with a pandemic virus and the superhero epidemiologists trying to stop it, while our TV talking heads and Republican primary candidates argue about whether or not we should be fighting a virus that is even more widespread than the one in the movie – Human Papillomavirus (HPV).

I won’t go into the overwhelming evidence of the HPV vaccine’s safety or its effectiveness. I’ll let experts like the American Academy of Pediatrics or the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists or the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) answer that one.  They’ll all tell you it’s safe, effective, wise, and necessary.

And luckily, at the point I’m writing this, good journalists and talking heads (even Rush Limbaugh) are laying the stupidity smackdown on the idea that the vaccine is unsafe.

The current debate centers around the individual young person receiving the shot or the parent’s decision to provide the vaccine. I’m not knocking informed personal health decisions – they’re important. But talk sparks suspicion and suspicion can be dangerous.

The complete individual focus is disappointing. Vaccines, of course, also serve the function of stopping the spread of viruses. Put in a more pointed way: Sure you don’t want your kid to get cancer, but this isn’t all about your kid.

Conservative estimates show that 50% of sexually active people will get HPV. Some estimates are closer to 75%.  Both boys and girls can catch it, spread it, and can get cancer from having it.

And the risk is undeniable:

That’s a lot of sexual activity. And half of the participants in that sexual behavior will contract a virus – a virus they can then spread to other young people.

It makes no sense to leave contagion to a coin flip when we have a safe, effective vaccine.

To learn more about accessing the HPV vaccine, visit the CDC’s HPV vaccination info page.

Posted in Media, Public Policy, Research, Teen Health | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Belly Bump: Finding Out

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Mary

Belly Bump is a series where we compare the pregnancy experiences of two women: Delsie, a prevention advocate and UNC student who became a mom at age 17, and Mary, APPCNC’s Community Programs Manager who decided to have a baby with her husband Anthony. See previous Belly Bump entries.

Delsie

In my last entry, I told you all about how I thought my boyfriend – Mr. Arrogant – would turn down sex altogether if I insisted on using a condom. He turned out to be really persistent, and convinced me it was okay to use the withdrawl method…

Weeks went by and I started to get worried… Where was my period?  I told Mr. Arrogant my problem, but he was sure that I was worried about nothing. I still felt that something wasn’t right.

My period had never been an entire month late before. I had heard that stress could cause a late period – and I was certainly stressed out! I still had the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. Not knowing was the worst part.  I decided to get a pregnancy test and take it at school after classes. That way I wouldn’t have to take it home and my parents would never find out.   

My friend and I went to the CVS before track practice one day and bought a pregnancy test.  We got in the car and headed back to the school and I began praying like I have never prayed before in my life. I made promises to God that if he got me out of this pickle that I would start praying more, reading my Bible more, I would do anything as long as the results came back negative.

Back at school, we went into the restroom, making sure that no one else was in there. I closed the stall door and my heart began to race. I was convinced there was no way that I could be pregnant. This could happen to anybody else but NOT ME! I was a straight-A student, in the marching and concert band, and a member of the track team. I was preparing to enter into my senior year and contemplating which universities I would apply to. It couldn’t happen – I had too much going for me. I guess the pregnancy test didn’t get the memo.

After the two longest minutes of my life I got my result… POSITIVE. A second test the next day confirmed it.

I had never felt more alone. I was seventeen and pregnant.

Mary

While unplanned pregnancies don’t just happen to teens – about 49% of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned – Anthony and I were planning and trying to get pregnant.  And we tried….once.

Now, I’ve made a career out of preaching the gospel of “it only takes one time to get pregnant” but even I was shocked when it only took us one try. I’ve known lots of people who had to do lots of trying, and lots who had “oops” moments of unprotected sex that very luckily didn’t result in a pregnancy.

It didn’t even occur to me that I could be pregnant so soon. One day at work, I was so tired I ran to the Starbucks inside of the Target near our office to grab a cup of coffee. It dawned on me that my period was late. Deciding it couldn’t hurt to check, I grabbed a box of pregnancy tests. I took one at work to set my mind at ease. (A funny side note here: I’m not the only person to have taken a pregnancy test at work. Delsie took hers at school. I’m starting to think those pregnancy test ads showing women at home in their fancy bathrooms are pretty unrealistic.)

Before I could blink my test turned positive.  No two minute wait for me.  Incredulous, I took another.  Positive.  Now, my story is nothing compared with the drama of Delsie’s, but I can say that the shock of finding out was immense.  I was surprised that I could be pregnant after our first go around. I suddenly felt alone, and unprepared for motherhood.  What would Anthony say?  What would my friends say?  Can we afford it?  I think every mom-to-be has this moment of panic at some point in her pregnancy.

After a good cry in the privacy of my car, I took one more test just to be sure.  Hooray for pregnancy test multi-packs! After work, I raced to Planned Parenthood. I still needed confirmation from a doctor that I was actually pregnant.  Giddy after a fourth and final test, I grabbed my fistful of positive pregnancy tests, and headed home to tell Anthony.

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A Day in the Life: Influences on Teen Pregnancy at Home and Abroad

Posted on September 1, 2011 by Kyle Hoover

Fact: Teens in Europe and in the United States generally have the same rates of sexual activity, but the United States has a teenage pregnancy rate three times that of Germany and France and four times of that the Netherlands. For the United States (which has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the developed world) to have the same rate of teen births as Germany, there would need to be roughly 340,000 fewer births by teenage mothers a year. How and why can such a discrepancy exist? To examine this question, let’s take a look a day in the (fictional) life of “Shelby,” a sixteen year old living in North Carolina, and “Laura,” a sixteen year old living in Germany. As we will see, the varying influence of education, media, peers, parents, and the availability of contraception combine to create a very different story when it comes to teen pregnancy at home and across the pond.

 Shelby

Shelby hears the honk of car horn in the driveway. Peeking outside the window, she sees her boyfriend waiting to drive her to school. She shouts a quick goodbye to her parents and hops into the front seat beside him. Shelby and Tom have been dating for about two months and had sex for the first time last week. Shelby was tired of being the only one of her friends who had not had sex and felt that she could trust Tom. (Fact: Teens with sexually active friends are more likely to be sexually active themselves).

Shelby’s parents have no idea that she and Tom are sleeping together. The most they have ever discussed sex occurred one night two years ago, and was essentially included her father telling her, “If you ever get pregnant before the age of 25 you will grounded until you’re fifty,” after reading an article on Bristol Palin’s pregnancy. Birth control or safe sex practices were never discussed and Shelby figured her parents would just get mad at her for asking. (Fact: Only 10% of families in the U.S. engage in on-going conversations about sex with their teens. In a national sample of parents asked how often they talked with their children about sex, 54% reported never, 28% said rarely, and 5% said about once a year.) However, Shelby and Tom did practice safe sex. Tom used condoms that he purchased at a drugstore two towns over, one of the few places he felt comfortable buying them. (Fact: North Carolina schools are prohibited by law to distribute contraception to students. Teens that do not use contraception have a 90% chance of becoming pregnant within a year.) Shelby considered going on the Pill, but in the end decided it was more trouble than what it was worth; plus, she would be so embarrased if her mother found out. (Fact: If Shelby went to a family planning clinic to receive birth control, her insurance would pay for part of the contraception and her visit would be kept confidential. However, the birth control would still show up on the explanation of her benefits.)

As Shelby sits through her morning classes, she thinks about how relieved she is to no longer have to sit through “sex ed,” a misnomer that she and her friends found to be very uncomfortable. When Shelby had to take such classes, the focus was on abstinence only education and such was described as the only full proof way of preventing pregnancy. Now at least she knows her younger sister will get more helpful information on contraception and protection as a result of the Healthy Youth Act, which requires that all North Carolina schools teach on all FDA-approved methods of contraception. Still, Shelby thinks, shaking her head, it’s amazing how much you can forget after a year or two. (Fact: Sex education is required in grades 7-9—usually as part of health class– in North Carolina. There is not a set sex ed curriculum for counties in North Carolina to follow, nor are there set regulations for the United States as a whole.)

Later that day Shelby flips through an old gossip magazine. She smirks to see Bristol Palin featured in a Candie’s Foundation ad, part of the organization’s campaign to prevent teen pregnancy. She sighs as she realizes that Bristol and the girls in Teen Mom are her pregnancy “role models.” (Fact: The United States has few long term national prevention campaigns that are widely or consistently distributed. If anything, the United States has a “You play, you pay” mentality—which is one state’s current slogan.) Shelby is just happy that she can trust Tom to use condoms and believes that is enough to keep both of them safe.

Laura

Per tradition, Laura and her mother sit at the breakfast table, enjoying a morning meal of toast with nutella before the craziness of the upcoming day unfolds. Laura just told her mom about an older student at her school who just found out she was pregnant with twins, even though she claimed to be on the Pill.

Her mother sighs, “Did she not realize that she had to take it every day at the same time in order for it to be most effective? What about her partner—was he wearing condoms?” (Fact: German youth are five times more likely to be on the Pill than youth in the United States.)

Laura rolls her eyes, “I don’t knowww, Mom—I am not her. Maybe he was? I don’t know. It’s not like they’re difficult to get.” (Fact: 83% of male teens in Germany use condoms, which are readily available in a variety of public places, including restaurants and vending machines.)

Laura’s mom responds, “Well, you know how important it is to use a backup method. And if you have trouble getting any kind of method at all, you tell me and I will help you find one.”(Fact: In Germany, 73% of daughters and 53% of sons report receiving sexuality education from their parents. Parents in Germany support their teen’s use of protection in sexual relationships.)

“Trust me Mom, I know. This is the tenth time you have told me this month,” Laura says as she runs out the door. Though her tone is sarcastic, Laura is grateful for the open conversation she can have with her mother about these topics.

Funny enough, how to have a conversation about choosing the right birth control method with one’s partner was discussed in her morning class. Mom would be thrilled, Laura thought to herself, as she acted the part of a girl explaining how an IUD works to her boyfriend. (Fact: Schools in Germany have consistent sex education programs that are essentially integrated into all school subjects. Relationships are a key concern in the sex ed program, with a focus on dual support for sexual behavior.)  Laura herself has not had sex yet, though not out of a sense of fear or a lack of information. Rather, she hasn’t had a serious boyfriend and finds herself busy enough hanging out with friends and playing field hockey. A few of her friends have had sex—in fact, Laura went with one of her girlfriends when she made the decision to go on the Pill. (Fact: Doctor visits and contraception are covered in Germany through their universal health care system.)

After a long day, Laura and a few friends begin the walk back home. On their way, they notice a new billboard stressing the importance of condom use in sexual relationships. They grin at the hokey tag line, though it’s no worse than the previous ads in its spot. Later, as they flip on the television, Laura sees a commercial that is reminiscent of what she had studied in health class, another part of the country’s nationwide campaign for safe sexual practices. (Fact: This nationwide campaign in Germany includes 4-6 TV spots on channels that have donated spots of free air time, billboards, and posters that publish new educational themes every 3 months, and advertisement partners who provide free printing and distribution to 70,000 locations.) The push for safe sex, all while stressing individual freedom and responsibility, is not lost on Laura. More than once today she was reminded how it important it is for her to be her own advocate. 

What lessons do you think we can take from Europe in how we discuss and look at teen pregnancy and sexuality? Do you believe these lessons would be easily adopted in the United States?

If you want more information on the differences between teen sexual behavior in the United States and in Europe, check out the Advocates for Youth web site; they conducted an extremely interesting and informative report on the topic.

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Why Drunk Driving is a Dangerous Metaphor

Posted on August 31, 2011 by Elizabeth

Lots of great, thoughtful people like to use anti-drinking and driving messages as a metaphor for sex education. It usually goes something like this:

Teaching about safe sex is like teaching about drinking and driving. We know kids are too young to drive, but we start talking early about the dangers of drinking and driving so they know how to be safe when they’re older.

or

We don’t want teens to drink. But if they drink we don’t want them to drive. Similarly, we don’t want teens to have sex – but if they do, we want them to be safe.

The folks who use this metaphor are trying to communicate a few important things:

  1. It’s completely normal to address risky behaviors that youth could engage in – we can talk about sex just as we can talk about drinking or smoking or safe/unsafe driving;
  2. We can talk about a topic without condoning it; and
  3. There’s something going on with the circumstances of the situation that makes a certain behavior okay or not okay.

The problem of the drinking and driving metaphor has to do primarily* with that third concept – circumstances.

So where’s the danger? It’s twofold:

The first danger is that the metaphor equates something that is never okay with something that will be okay at some point, it’s just not okay right now.

Drinking and driving is never okay. We would never say to a young person, “Drinking and driving is really great if you wait until you’re ready.” Or, “Drinking and driving is something you should save for your wedding night.”

On the other hand, sex becomes okay at some point. Depending on your personal values, “okayness” could be based on age, relationship status, or some other factor entirely.

The comparison also continues a shameful and dangerous American tradition of treating sex as a bad thing.  Bad feelings about sex lead to poor communications, poor relationships (including doctor-patient and parent-child), and risky behaviors. Conversely, positive attitudes about sex, protection and communications can reduce sexual activity, as well as potential negative consequences of sex.

The second danger is that when advocates (assuming we’re the leaders we claim to be) use the drinking and driving metaphor, it gives people permission to communicate about sex in a very simplistic, “just don’t do it” way.

Abstinence-only education is the most common manifestation of “just don’t do it.” Abstinence-only education has, of course, proven both ineffective and dangerous – reviews show participants are just as likely to become sexually active as nonparticipants, but less likely to protect themselves from STDs. (To tease the bad metaphor a bit: all that energy telling them not to drink and drive led them to drive without seat belts.)  We also see the simple “don’t do it” repeated in homes, churches, and community groups.

Beyond denying young people basic health information, simplistic sex education fails to provide the skills to navigate and investigate the nuances of sex.

One of the most frequent questions we hear from young people is essentially this: How do I know when sex is okay? This isn’t a question about permission; it’s a question of readiness, safety, relationships, trust, knowledge, consent, lifestyle, and self.  And “just don’t do it” isn’t the answer.

So, what’s a better metaphor? I haven’t quite gotten there myself, but this is my favorite comparison:

Sex education is most similar to the civics education we provide throughout a young person’s education. Our schools teach the importance of community participation, knowledge of our legal and political systems, and good citizenship – complementing lessons learned at home – well before a child is able to vote.  Similarly, comprehensive sex education provides the biological information, decision-making skills, and understanding of relationships needed to put values into practice and build a lifetime of healthy, safe, fulfilling relationships.

I’d love to hear your metaphors.

*That second item – how talking about a topic isn’t the same as condoning it – is very often the crux of public debate on sex education.  To cover this, I refer you to this great piece by Elizabeth Schroeder of Answer on how talking about sex in a comprehensive and positive way is both healthy and wise: How Do You Solve A Problem Like the P-Word? Should School-Based Sex Ed Address Pleasure? I might add that condoning sex is fairly important to the survival of the species. Just sayin’.

Also, my apologies for not appropriately crediting the authors of sampled drunk driving metaphors. I thought you’d appreciate the anonymity here.

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Belly Bump: Context

Posted on August 24, 2011 by Mary

It’s so interesting when your professional life and your private life intersect!  For the past 3 years,  I’ve been working to make sure young people don’t get pregnant before they’re ready.  Much of that time is spent talking about the drastic difference between a planned pregnancy and an unplanned one, especially when that unplanned pregnancy happens to a teenager. That difference has never been as clear to me as it is right now.

After finding out I’m pregnant (surprise!), I was talking with a coworker about the difficulties pregnant women often face in our society.  Ever on message and focused on the job, she pointed out how much more difficult it is for teens to navigate a pregnancy. She suggested I blog alongside one of our youth council members Delsie Bailey, who had a child at age 17, to compare our experiences.

For the past two years, Delsie has been on our Teen Health Now youth council.  She joined because she wanted to make sure that other young people never had to go through what she did as a teen mom.  Now she’s a student at UNC-Chapel Hill. I’ve always looked up to Delsie, and admired her for her journey, her perseverance, and her attitude. Now that I am pregnant, I’m seeing her story in a whole different way.  I’m seeing her story through my story.

So, that’s what Belly Bump is – a place where we can compare our experiences and shine a light on what it’s really like to experience pregnancy as a young person in America.

Delsie

Okay, where to start? Well, this one time at band camp… Alright, I know that was a bit cliché but to be honest it’s really not that far off from how my story began. He was a band kid, I was a band kid…

Our relationship didn’t start with love at first sight. Quite frankly, in the beginning we couldn’t even stand each other. He was on the drum line, and filled with the arrogance and over-confidence that comes with that position. I was a delicate, well put together flute player. With him on the drum line in back field position and me up front in flute position, we rarely crossed paths on the marching field.

Delsie and Mr. Arrogant at a safe distance.

At the end of the marching season, we traveled to Indianapolis for a band competition. Band trips can be pretty eventful, and this band trip wasn’t any different. The highlight of this trip was the moment my path crossed with Mr. Arrogant’s path. We got to know each other a little better and realized we liked each other more than we both initially thought.

A serious relationship developed as our band schedules became a little less hectic. We were inseparable. The L- word became a regular part of our conversations. One day after track practice (yes, I was a well-rounded student!), the topic of sex came up. It was a topic that I had always carefully tried to side-step. When he said “If you love me then you will do it’”, I felt like my back was against a wall. I did love him and I wanted him to know that, but sex was not the way that I wanted to express that love. But Mr. Arrogant was very convincing.

I thought asking him to use a condom would be a way out of the situation. I was positive that he would not have a condom with him, and we wouldn’t be able to move forward. I was partially right. He did not have a condom with him. But he was persuasive, and he convinced me that he a PRO at withdrawal. (We didn’t have real sex ed in school and my parents only ever told me to wait until marriage. I really wish I had gotten the lessons that I now know good sex ed includes about effective/ineffective contraception and negotiation skills!)

As you can probably tell by me writing this blog about how I became pregnant, PRO didn’t stand for professional. In his case it was more along the lines of PRObably likely to get you pregnant.

I went into this situation wanting to prove my love for my boyfriend but came out of it anxious about my future.

Mary

If you told me when I was 16 that I would have a child at age 27 – or that I’d be the first of my friends to marry at age 24 – I  wouldn’t have believed you.  In fact, I would have straight up laughed at you. My parents eloped at age 39 and had me at 40, so my mental “settling down” timeline has always been a little extended.  Life doesn’t always follow an exact plan.

My pregnancy has a lot to do with tornadoes.   In late April, a powerful tornado moved through downtown Raleigh.  I hid with my husband Anthony and our 150lb Great Dane while the tornado destroyed buildings just blocks from our house. Relieved and grateful, I left the next day for St. Louis for a sex ed curriculum training.

If you follow current events, you may be giggling to yourself right now. That’s right: An F4 tornado hit the St. Louis airport a week later while I was supposed to be boarding a flight back to Raleigh. I was on the phone updating Anthony on my flight delay when the ceiling insulation started falling. Then the sliding doors nearby blew in.  The other passengers and I ran through the blowing debris to take shelter in a bathroom.  I made it home several days later.

Mary watches as a guardrail introduces itself to a stoplight.

Anthony and I started to reflect on how lucky I’d been.  Our lives had gotten really stressful with my daily commute from Raleigh to Durham, and the tornadoes shook us even more. Being spiritual people, we thought about what meaning the tornadoes could have for us and came to the conclusion that our life had been like a tornado, crazy, hectic and unpredictable, and that we needed to take steps to make some needed changes.  We decided to look for a home to buy in Durham.  We’ve moved every year for the past 9 years.  It was time to stop.  So we found our dream house and within a month we bought it.

Just before our big move, I offered to help a good friend move to Seattle. The weather started getting hairy around the Kansas-Colorado border.  The sky darkened, hail started pelting the car, and I got that “I’ve been here before” feeling.  We got to a visitor’s center as the weather worsened, and bolted for the door – barefoot – through marble-sized hail.  A tornado passed nearby, while our building shook and flooded.

When I got back, Anthony and I shifted our “settling down” plan into high gear.  Left with a sense of the shortness and sanctity of life, we decided it could mean only one thing: It was time for a baby.

Stay tuned for our next edition of Belly Bump… Finding Out.

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